Tuesday, October 19, 2010

(second draft)

I’m searching for signs, heart sounds

(post removed)

6 comments:

Dianne said...

I didn't know the word furze.
But I loved the transition from cold to sun-bell of your arms.
This moves along and makes me want more..

Marion McCready said...

only came across it recently meeself! so of course I had to fit it into a poem :) thanks dianne.

Jim Murdoch said...

I’ve never been a great one for rejoicing so I’m having a hard time connecting with this piece. I like ‘furze’ I have to say – so many great words lying around, aren’t there? – but on the whole the imagery is a little flat and obvious. I would drop the line ‘Platinum clouds pleat across the sky’ and keep the couplet-shape. It doesn’t really add anything to the piece. The last two stanzas are the best – the imagery is consistent across these. I also like the use of present tense. It’s too easy to fall back on the past tense and this is a pleasant change.

Marion McCready said...

the intention wasn't a rejoiceful tone :) back to the drawing board then! thanks jim.

Roxana said...

for me it is the first half of the poem, this time, it has such a strong and mysterious beginning, and the image of the birds falling from trees is almost devastating in this context. it is a simple one, but pictured against your breath frozen on sheets, it makes me tremble...

Marion McCready said...

thankyou roxana!if only I had your ability to translate it into pics...:)